Cox

The rare image shown above is a photo of S.E.C. chairman Christopher Cox on Capital Hill explaining how the biggest pyramid scheme in history slipped through the cracks. Cox explained that the specific type of pyramid scheme run by Madoff was not covered in his text, "Pyramids for Dummies". His explanation had the crowd convinced that the S.E.C. is not at fault. In a press conference that followed the hearing, Bush commented that despite numerous letters outlining Madoff's scheme, the S.E.C. is only responsible for frauds covered by Federally issued manuals.

We obtained a copy of "Pyramids for Dummies", and found that Cox was entirely correct. The book primarily focused on pyramids built between 2,500 to 2,800 B.C. in Giza, but mentioned nothing about Wall Street. Bush further commented that when Cox is replaced, his successor has already been decided. Sponge Bob Square Pants will take over the S.E.C. when Cox steps down. This will likely not happen, commented Bush, until the prostitute he hired... Bush was muffled by his lawyer at this point who explained that Cox had hired a Protestant to help him understand the differences in religious beliefs over State lines. Money recovered from the Madoff scandal went to pay for the Protestant, so no tax dollars were lost, commented Bush's attorney.

In other news, 74 pound Apple CEO, Steve Jobs announced that his weight loss is due to a hormonal imbalance, not pancreatic cancer. The resulting rally, which has yet to take AAPL through resistance, provides an entry point for shorts looking to capitalize on the recent distribution of the shares. As expected, the market has hit resistance at Dow 9000. Our guess is that the rally continues after a short breather, as the indexes are still grossly oversold.